Understanding Your Attachment Style: Are You Secure, Anxious, or Avoidant?
By Jennifer Doeden, LMFT- Metro Counseling and Wellness
If you’ve ever wondered why relationships feel easy for some people and really complicated for others, attachment styles are a helpful place to start. At their core, attachment patterns are the ways we connect, communicate, and feel safe (or not) in relationships—especially romantic ones.
The good news? Your attachment style isn’t a life sentence. It’s a pattern you can understand, work with, and change over time.
Let’s break this down in a simple, real-world way.
A Mini Attachment Assessment
Choose the statements that feel most true for you.
👉 If most of these sound like you, you may lean Secure:
I’m comfortable being close to others.
I can depend on people, and they can depend on me.
I don’t freak out when someone needs space or when I need space.
I can talk through conflict without shutting down or panicking.
👉 If most of these feel familiar, you may lean Anxious:
I worry about being “too much” or that people will leave.
I often need reassurance that things are okay.
If texts slow down, I get nervous something is wrong.
I think about my relationships… a lot.
👉 If most of these fit, you may lean Avoidant:
I like closeness… up to a point. Then I start pulling away.
I feel smothered when someone needs a lot from me.
I value independence and hate feeling obligated.
When conflict happens, my instinct is to shut down or escape.
You might see yourself in more than one category—that’s normal. Many people have a mix.
What These Styles Look Like in Romantic Relationships
🌿 Secure Attachment
Securely attached adults generally trust their partners and themselves. They can handle closeness without losing themselves, and they don’t panic when things feel uncertain.
Relationships feel steady—not perfect, but safe.
💛 Anxious Attachment
If you lean anxious, love can feel intense.
You care deeply and think a lot about the relationship. But there’s often a fear underneath:
“What if they leave? What if I’m not enough?”
In relationships, this may look like:
Needing reassurance
Overthinking texts or tone
Feeling hurt easily
Worrying during conflict
Trying hard to keep the relationship stable
You’re not “clingy”—you’re craving safety.
🌬️ Avoidant Attachment
If you lean avoidant, you probably value independence and may struggle with too much closeness.
Relationships feel good… until they suddenly feel too much.
It might show up as:
Pulling back when things get serious
Wanting connection but keeping people at arm’s length
Being uncomfortable with emotional conversations
Needing space when things feel overwhelming
Shutting down during conflict
You’re not “cold”—you’re protecting yourself.
How to Improve Relationships If You’re Anxious or Avoidant
Here are strategies that work in real life—not just in textbooks.
💛 If You Have Anxious Attachment
1. Pause before reacting to fear
Take 10–20 seconds to check in:
“Am I responding to reality or to a fear of abandonment?”
This small pause can change everything.
2. Ask for reassurance directly
Instead of hinting or hoping they’ll figure it out, try:
“Hey, I’m feeling a little insecure today. Can you tell me we’re okay?”
Clear asks feel better for both people.
3. Notice when your mind jumps to worst-case scenarios
Anxious attachment often leads to catastrophizing.
When you catch it happening, gently remind yourself:
“Feelings aren’t facts.”
4. Build emotional stability outside the relationship
Friends, hobbies, routines, and therapy help you feel grounded and less fearful.
🌬️ If You Have Avoidant Attachment
1. Share your need for space early
It’s way easier to say,
“I recharge with alone time, but it doesn’t mean I’m pulling away,”
than to suddenly disappear.
2. Practice staying present during emotional conversations
You don’t need to fix anything. You just need to stay.
Even a few more minutes of presence builds trust.
3. Let your partner in—slowly
Share small things at first: a fear, a thought, a preference.
Closeness grows in tiny steps, not big leaps.
4. Challenge the “I’m better off alone” reflex
That’s often old protective programming—not truth.
Want to Build More Secure Attachment?
You absolutely can. With awareness, intention, and sometimes the support of a therapist, your attachment style can shift over time.
At Metro Counseling and Wellness, we help adults untangle relationship patterns, understand their nervous systems, and build healthier ways of connecting—without shame and without pressure.
If you’re curious about your attachment style or want support navigating relationships, we’d love to help.
👉 Schedule a free consultation
