Why It’s Hard to “Let It Go” Even After an Apology — A Trauma Therapist’s Perspective
By Jennifer Doeden, LMFT- Metro Counseling and Wellness
You’ve had the conversation.
The hurt partner has expressed how they feel.
The other partner has listened, taken responsibility, and offered an authentic, heartfelt apology.
And yet… the pain still lingers. The injured partner can’t seem to “just move on,” and the other partner might start wondering: Why is this still an issue if I’ve already apologized?
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. In my work as a trauma therapist, I often see couples get stuck here—not because the apology was insincere, but because emotional healing is rarely as quick as the act of saying I’m sorry.
1. Trauma Lives in the Nervous System, Not Just the Mind
When an incident touches a deeper wound—whether from childhood, a previous relationship, or a series of smaller hurts—it’s not just a memory in the brain. The body and nervous system store that experience. Even after an apology, the body might still be on high alert, waiting for danger to return.
Letting go, in this sense, isn’t a simple choice. It’s a process of teaching the body that safety has returned.
2. Trust Takes Time to Rebuild
An authentic apology is a crucial first step toward repair, but trust is built through repeated, consistent actions over time. If the incident involved broken trust—whether around honesty, emotional safety, or reliability—it’s normal for the injured partner to need more than words to fully feel secure again.
3. Meaning and Identity Are at Stake
Sometimes, an incident doesn’t just cause hurt—it shakes how someone sees themselves or their partner.
For example:
A betrayal might challenge the belief that “my partner is always in my corner.”
A harsh comment might reopen old wounds around worthiness or belonging.
When the meaning behind an event cuts this deep, “letting go” requires rebuilding not just the relationship, but the injured partner’s sense of self.
4. Apology ≠ Resolution of the Feeling
An apology can acknowledge harm and take responsibility, but it doesn’t erase the emotional impact. Feelings need space to move through their natural cycle—being named, expressed, soothed, and integrated. When one partner tries to speed this up, the other may feel pressured or misunderstood, which can slow healing.
5. How to Support the Healing Process (for Both Partners)
For the partner who apologized:
Keep showing up with patience and empathy, even if you feel ready to move on.
Avoid defensiveness—healing isn’t about “keeping score,” it’s about rebuilding safety.
Ask your partner what actions or reassurances help them feel more secure.
For the partner who was hurt:
Give yourself permission to take the time you need without feeling guilty for not “bouncing back.”
Share specific ways your partner can help you feel safe again.
Consider exploring the deeper roots of the hurt in therapy, especially if the reaction feels bigger than the incident itself.
The Bottom Line
When one partner can’t let go of a painful event, it doesn’t mean the relationship is doomed or that the apology “didn’t work.” It means there’s an opportunity—often a tender one—to go deeper, address old wounds, and build a more secure foundation together.
Authentic repair is not about erasing the past—it’s about transforming it into a stepping stone for greater intimacy and trust.
🕊️ At Metro Counseling and Wellness
If you are struggling to move forward after a hurtful event, you don’t have to navigate it alone. At Metro Counseling and Wellness, we specialize in trauma-informed therapy to help you rebuild trust, deepen understanding, and find a path forward.
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