Why It’s Hard to “Let It Go” Even After an Apology — A Trauma Therapist’s Perspective

By Jennifer Doeden, LMFT- Metro Counseling and Wellness

You’ve had the conversation.
The hurt partner has expressed how they feel.
The other partner has listened, taken responsibility, and offered an authentic, heartfelt apology.

And yet… the pain still lingers. The injured partner can’t seem to “just move on,” and the other partner might start wondering: Why is this still an issue if I’ve already apologized?

If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. In my work as a trauma therapist, I often see couples get stuck here—not because the apology was insincere, but because emotional healing is rarely as quick as the act of saying I’m sorry.

1. Trauma Lives in the Nervous System, Not Just the Mind

When an incident touches a deeper wound—whether from childhood, a previous relationship, or a series of smaller hurts—it’s not just a memory in the brain. The body and nervous system store that experience. Even after an apology, the body might still be on high alert, waiting for danger to return.

Letting go, in this sense, isn’t a simple choice. It’s a process of teaching the body that safety has returned.

2. Trust Takes Time to Rebuild

An authentic apology is a crucial first step toward repair, but trust is built through repeated, consistent actions over time. If the incident involved broken trust—whether around honesty, emotional safety, or reliability—it’s normal for the injured partner to need more than words to fully feel secure again.

3. Meaning and Identity Are at Stake

Sometimes, an incident doesn’t just cause hurt—it shakes how someone sees themselves or their partner.
For example:

• A betrayal might challenge the belief that “my partner is always in my corner.”

• A harsh comment might reopen old wounds around worthiness or belonging.

When the meaning behind an event cuts this deep, “letting go” requires rebuilding not just the relationship, but the injured partner’s sense of self.

4. Apology ≠ Resolution of the Feeling

An apology can acknowledge harm and take responsibility, but it doesn’t erase the emotional impact. Feelings need space to move through their natural cycle—being named, expressed, soothed, and integrated. When one partner tries to speed this up, the other may feel pressured or misunderstood, which can slow healing.

5. How to Support the Healing Process (for Both Partners)

For the partner who apologized:

• Keep showing up with patience and empathy, even if you feel ready to move on.

• Avoid defensiveness—healing isn’t about “keeping score,” it’s about rebuilding safety.

• Ask your partner what actions or reassurances help them feel more secure.

For the partner who was hurt:

• Give yourself permission to take the time you need without feeling guilty for not “bouncing back.”

• Share specific ways your partner can help you feel safe again.

• Consider exploring the deeper roots of the hurt in therapy, especially if the reaction feels bigger than the incident itself.

The Bottom Line
When one partner can’t let go of a painful event, it doesn’t mean the relationship is doomed or that the apology “didn’t work.” It means there’s an opportunity—often a tender one—to go deeper, address old wounds, and build a more secure foundation together.

Authentic repair is not about erasing the past—it’s about transforming it into a stepping stone for greater intimacy and trust.

🕊️ At Metro Counseling and Wellness

If you are struggling to move forward after a hurtful event, you don’t have to navigate it alone. At Metro Counseling and Wellness, we specialize in trauma-informed therapy to help you rebuild trust, deepen understanding, and find a path forward.

📞 Ready to Begin?

We offer a free 15-minute consultation to help you decide if we’re the right fit.
👉 Schedule Now

📍 In-person in Minnetonka | 💻 Online therapy available across Minnesota

You deserve support. You don’t have to figure it all out alone. Therapy can be a powerful part of your healing journey—let’s take the first step together.

Starting Therapy: What to Expect and How to Get the Most Out of It

By Jennifer Doeden, LMFT- Metro Counseling and Wellness

Beginning therapy can feel like a big step—whether you’re feeling anxious, overwhelmed, hopeful, or all of the above. At Metro Counseling and Wellness, we want to make the process feel approachable, empowering, and supportive. If you’re new to therapy, here’s what to expect—and a few tips to help you make the most of your sessions.

🌿 What Is Psychotherapy?

Psychotherapy, often simply called “therapy,” is a safe, confidential space where you can explore your emotions, thoughts, and experiences with a trained mental health professional. Whether you’re facing anxiety, depression, life transitions, trauma, or parenting stress, therapy is a collaborative process designed to support your mental and emotional well-being.

🛋️ What to Expect in Your First Sessions

1. Intake & Paperwork:
Before your first session, you’ll likely complete intake forms. These include basic information, consent to treatment, and details about what brought you to therapy.

2. The First Session:
Your therapist will spend time getting to know you—your goals, history, current concerns, and what you’re hoping to get out of therapy. You’re welcome to ask questions about the process, and there’s no pressure to share everything right away.

3. Building a Relationship:
Therapy works best when you feel comfortable and safe with your therapist. The first few sessions are about building rapport and establishing trust. It's okay to be nervous—that's completely normal!

🧠 Tips to Get the Most Out of Therapy

1. Be Honest
Therapy is a judgment-free zone. Try to be as open as you can about what you’re feeling—even if it’s confusing or hard to put into words. Your therapist is there to support you, not to judge you.

2. Set Clear Goals
You don’t need to have it all figured out, but thinking about what you’d like to work on can help give direction. Whether it's managing anxiety, processing a loss, or feeling more present in your life, sharing your goals can guide the work.

3. Practice Between Sessions
Often, growth happens between appointments. Your therapist might suggest small reflection exercises, coping skills, or journaling prompts. Trying these out can deepen your self-awareness and speed up progress.

4. Be Patient with the Process
Healing takes time. Some sessions might feel more emotional or challenging than others. That’s normal. Therapy isn’t about quick fixes—it’s about lasting, meaningful change.

5. Give Feedback
If something isn’t working or you’re not sure about something, speak up! Therapy is a collaborative process, and your therapist wants to tailor their approach to best meet your needs.

🌼 Is Therapy Right for Me?

If you’re struggling with emotional ups and downs, feeling stuck, or just want a space to explore personal growth—therapy can help. You don’t have to be in crisis to benefit. Many clients find that therapy supports them in developing healthier relationships, coping strategies, and a deeper understanding of themselves.

🕊️ At Metro Counseling and Wellness

We specialize in trauma-informed, compassionate therapy, with a focus on maternal mental health, perinatal mood disorders, anxiety, and life transitions. Whether you're preparing for parenthood, navigating postpartum changes, or simply trying to feel more like yourself again—we’re here to walk alongside you.

📞 Ready to Begin?

We offer a free 15-minute consultation to help you decide if we’re the right fit.
👉 Schedule Now

📍 In-person in Minnetonka | 💻 Online therapy available across Minnesota

You deserve support. You don’t have to figure it all out alone. Therapy can be a powerful part of your healing journey—let’s take the first step together.